I had an awareness today. I was going to say I had a realization, but that’s not true. I already realize this. Unfortunately though, most days I’m not aware of it. I willfully turn a blind eye to it.
Anyway, today I was once again made aware that I haven’t “died to myself.” This term comes from the Bible, so I realize that it may not be recognizable in that sense, but what it means is universal. There’s a verse in the Bible that says that if we want to find life, we must first lose ours. In the spiritual sense, if we want to have a life in Christ, we have to give up the selfishness of ourselves and follow the things that He calls us to.
Well, I wish I could say I was being all spiritual when I was thinking about this today. I really wasn’t. Instead I was cleaning my house, baking bread, and thinking about the mounding laundry that needed to be folded and put away. Now, I have started to enjoy baking bread- something I thought I’d never say. But cleaning and laundry?? Nope. Don’t see myself ever enjoying them.
But… I was cleaning while the bread dough was rising, and I started to think about my husband coming home to a clean house. I am the most blessed woman that I have a husband who really doesn’t care about that. He appreciates it to be clean, but he doesn’t complain when it’s not. But I found myself thinking what I normally do: “Man, I hope he notices this and appreciates all I did!” [Translation: he should verbally acknowledge it!] Did I mention the downfall of having a husband who doesn’t care when it’s dirty? It’s that he doesn’t really notice when it’s clean either. Needless to say… that can be disappointing. As can the fact that my kids don’t notice and come in from school and throw their coats, hats, bookbags, and lunch boxes everywhere… after I’ve cleaned.
So where is this all going? I was made aware that none of what I did today was done out of love. It was done out of need and maybe out of hope for appreciation. This all led me to the thought that I haven’t really died to myself with my family. I care about myself way more than I care about them. I care that my time cleaning was “wasted.” I care that it went unappreciated [again, it wasn’t verbally acknowledged]. When the kids ask me a question, I get annoyed that I haven’t finished my post my work/email/facebook/whatever I am distracting myself with at the time and that they are interrupting. Then I’m annoyed that there’s homework to be done. Then I’m annoyed that a kid wants to be read to. Then I’m annoyed that it’s bath night. Then… (I’d go into all the ways I’m selfish as a wife, but this post has to have an ending sometime today).
If you were to ask me, I would totally say that I care about my family more than myself… but I was made aware today that my heart and my attitude tell the truth on that matter.